


I Love You, I Need You, I'm Going To Screw This Up

by agirlintheville



Series: Burning Together [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M, Marriage Proposal, The boys are perfect for each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-20
Updated: 2015-07-20
Packaged: 2018-04-10 05:57:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4379858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agirlintheville/pseuds/agirlintheville
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Steve, it’s okay, just come back to the table.”</p>
<p>“No it’s not okay! It’s…I…and you…and you have a ring. God, you bought me a ring, a really lovely ring.”</p>
<p>Sam blinked in confusion. “You like it?”</p>
<p>“It’s gorgeous,” Steve said miserably.</p>
<p>Sam tries to propose to Steve, but doubts and insecurities get in the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Love You, I Need You, I'm Going To Screw This Up

**Author's Note:**

> This can be a standalone but it will probably make a bit more sense if you read the first part of the series. 
> 
> Also this is my first fic for this pairing, so please let me know how it reads!

Sam glanced quickly at his watch. “Okay, the chicken is done, the asparagus is done, and the rice is done,” he muttered to himself. “Let’s check the table.”

Critically, he surveyed his work. The table was set with his mother’s wedding silver and china, borrowed for this special occasion. The pillar candles were burning gently, and the tea lights around the dining room flickered. Tilting his head, he reached out and readjusted the gerbera daises nestled in the small square vase. Perfect. It all looked perfect.

“Sam? You here?”

He glanced at his watch again, surprised. Steve was home earlier than he expected, and now he didn’t have time to change. That was fine, he could roll with it. The clothes he was wearing were nice enough.

“Sam?”

“Hey babe!” Sam entered the living room to see Steve removing his coat and gloves. “You’re home early.”

“Yeah, the meeting got wrapped up sooner than I thought. Something smells good,” Steve smiled at him, eyebrow raised in question.

He returned Steve’s smile as the usual thoughts _“Me! He’s smiling at me!”_ ran through his mind. He hoped that there never came a day when his brain didn’t turn to mush just because of Steve’s smile.

“Must be me,” he joked, moving to wrap blond man in his arms.

“Hmm you do smell delectable.” Steve’s cold nose nuzzled at the crook of his neck.

“Delectable, really? Gah, you’re cold.”

“Yeah, I know. Warm me up please.”

As Steve’s nuzzling began to involve the frequent press of his lips, Sam briefly wavered between his carefully planned evening and his always present desire to indulge himself with Steve. Sighing, he leaned back and said, “Hey, hey, wait. I’ve got dinner ready. Don’t want it get cold.”

“Hmm, okay. If you insist.” Smiling, Steve let him lead the way to the dining room. At the doorway, Steve stopped short. “Uh…wow. What’s all this?”

“Um...it’s…I just wanted to treat you special tonight.”

“Well, ain’t I a lucky fella?” Steve hugged him and kissed him softly. After a few moments, Sam pulled away, and pushed him towards a chair

“Sit, sit. I’ll bring you some food.”  Smiling giddly, Steve sat and looked around. But his smile dimmed when Sam placed his plate in front of him.

“Is…is this your mom’s china?”

“Oh yeah, she let me borrow it.”

“But…this is her wedding china. She told me that she only lets family members borrow it on special occasions.”

Trust Steve to remember that little detail. “Yeah, that’s true. So what happened at the meeting?”  Sam sat down, hoping that his question would distract the other man.

Undeterred, Steve asked, “So…this is a special occasion?”

“Maybe?”

“Are you breaking up with me?”

“What?” Sam gaped at Steve, and Steve stared back. “Why would you think that?”

Steve leaned back and began to count the reasons on his fingers. “You’ve been really evasive for the past month, you keep getting these phone calls that you have to go into the other room to take, you keep fiddling with something in your pocket, but you never let me see it, you-“

“God, Steve, no, I’m not breaking up with you. It’s the opposite,” he burst out.

“What?”

Sam rubbed his suddenly sweaty hands on his jeans. This wasn’t going at all as he had planned. “Steve.” His voice felt too thick. He cleared his throat and tried again, “Steve, I love you and I’m not breaking up with you. In fact, I’ve been trying to find a way to show you how much I love you. I’ve been trying for a while now, and I talked to some people, those were the phone calls, and uh…” He stopped and shook his head, chuckling. “This is why you always give the spur of the moment speeches, I gotta write mine down first.”

“It’s okay, this is good,” Steve leaned towards, smiling a little now. “Just think about what you’re feeling and say that.”

“Yeah, okay.” He took a deep breath. “Steve, I love you. I love you so much. I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t met you on that run, but it doesn’t even matter because nothing else could be this wonderful. And I want us to be together for as long as we can, as long as we both live. And there’s only one way I know of to make sure that happens.”

He stood and took the velvet ring box out of his pocket. As he cracked open the lid, he noticed that Steve’s mouth had dropped open. Quickly, he grasped one of Steve’s hands, and dropped to one knee. “Steve, will you-“

“Oh shit, no!”

Sam stopped abruptly, his face slack with shock. Steve jerked his hand away and clapped both hands over his mouth. They stared at each other.

Sam spoke first. “Did…did you just swear at me?”

Steve lowered his hands a little, “No. I mean, I swore, but not at you.” It came out confused and embarrassed.

“Oh. Okay. Wait. Did you say _no_?”

“No! I mean, yes I did, but I…” Steve ran his hands through his hair, eyes darting wildly. “Okay. Okay. Sorry. Do it again.”

“What?”

“Just, you know, go again. I wasn’t ready. Sorry.” He took a deep breath, and folded his hands in his lap.

Sam squinted at him, doubtfully. His knee was beginning to ache. He cleared his throat, “Okay. Um. Steve…will you marr-“

“Nope, nope, no, still not ready.” Steve shot up out of his chair, and shoved his hands behind his back. He began to back away, babbling, “I’m so sorry. I can’t, I’m sorry, oh my god, I’m sorry, so so sorry!”

“Steve, for god’s sake, breathe!” Sam stretched his hand out towards him, and realized that he was still on one knee by the table. He hurriedly stood and slowly walked towards Steve who already made into the living room and had plastered his back against their front door. “Steve, it’s okay, just come back to the table.”

“No it’s not okay! It’s…I…and you…and you have a ring. God, you bought me a ring, a really lovely ring.”

Sam blinked in confusion. “You like it?”

“It’s gorgeous,” Steve said miserably.

“Well, that’s something at least,” Sam muttered to himself glancing down at the gold band. “Then what’s going on here?”

Steve just shook his head, his body slumped in what looked like total despair. “I gotta go.”

“What? No, don’t leave! Steve!” He ran to the door now, but Steve moved fast. He was gone in the few seconds it took Sam to reach where he had been standing. He clutched his hand around the ring box and stared at the door. He was gone. Steve had left.

* * *

 

Natasha padded into the kitchen as the tea kettle began to whistle. She began to go over her nightly checklist in her mind as she prepared her tea: check the weapons safe, double check her hiding spots, set the night alarm, check email, bedtime yoga…the thump against the door interrupted her thoughts.

She moved towards the front door, shifting her grip on her mug in case she needed to throw the hot liquid. She checked the security camera that showed the view of the hallway, then yanked the door open when she saw Steve slumped against it. She barely managed to catch him with her free hand when he tumbled in.

"Steve!" He was shaking badly. "What’s wrong? Are you hurt?" She managed to pull him in and shut the door. Her tea went to a nearby side table so she could grab him around the shoulders. "Steve?"

"Not hurt. ‘m fine." He didn't look at her, wrapping his arms around his torso.

"Doesn’t look like you’re fine," she frowned up at him, but he didn’t answer, curling in on himself as tightly as he could.

She reached back for the tea and pressed it to his lips. "Drink."

Obediently, he took a sip and then jerked back as the liquid burnt his tongue. "Ow! What the hell?" he exclaimed, glaring at her.

"Small sharp doses of pain help center your mind. You with me now?" Betrayal still in his eyes, Steve nodded. Natasha pointed to the couch. "Go sit. I’ll bring you some ice."

When she returned with ice cubes and a cold cup of tea, he was sitting at the edge of the couch, eyes staring at nothing. His clasped hands did nothing to hide their shaking.

"Here." She smiled as he looked suspiciously at her offering. "It’s cold tea, really."

He took the items, sipping the tea, and then pressing the ice cube to his tongue, She sat down across from him, scanned him quickly. No physical injuries, but still shaking as if he had been through a rough experience or had seen something. "Is Sam okay?"

Steve frowned, "Sam? Yeah. Actually…no. He might not be okay." Steve scrunched his face tightly, his entire body stiff, "Oh my god, what did I do?"

Natasha prudently removed the tea cup from his grip, "Jarvis, call Sam please."

"Right away, Agent Romanov."

The ringing didn’t last long before Sam’s voice came from around them. "Natasha?"

"Sam, are you alright?"

"Yeah, I’m fine."

"You don’t sound fine."

There was a sigh. "I’m fine really. No cause for alarm."

Natasha paused for a few seconds listening for any clues the background noises could give her. There was nothing, so she continued, "Steve is here."

"Steve?" Sam’s voice was stronger now. "Is he…Steve are you okay?"

Steve looked even more miserable than before. "Yeah, I’m…" his voice cracked, "I’m fine, Sam. Really. I’m really sorry."

"You got nothing to be sorry for. I just want you to come home. Are you coming home?"

"Yeah, I am…but I, I can’t yet. I’m so sorry."

"You don’t have to apologize," Sam’s voice was low, soothing. "Just come back when you’re ready. Please?"

Silence fell. Then he continued, "Natasha?"

"I’m here, I got this, Sam. No worries."

"Thank you Natasha, Really, thank you."

"You’re welcome. Good night."

When the line went dead, she realized that Steve had taken his tea back and had finished it. She stood, quickly refreshed both their mugs, and then flopped down next to him on the couch. "Drink." He drank.

"So…Die Hard?"

He shook his head, "National Treasure."

"Ew. Indiana Jones?"

"The Mummy?"

"Mhmm, I love that man’s face. Okay. Jarvis, if you could, please."

"My pleasure."

The TV screen lit up as the movie started. Natasha snuggled into Steve’s side as he finally began to relax. After the movie ended, they played rock, paper, scissors for the next one. Steve won, and Some Like It Hot started up. Then Love Actually began to play. "This is the most perfect Christmas movie," she informed him as they watched Keira Knightly walk up the aisle. "It has everything. Hope, loss, love, endings, and beginnings-"

"Sam asked me to marry him," he interrupted. She felt his eyes on her. "You knew."

"I knew. Thought he’d wait until after the holidays, though."

The movie played in silence for a few more minutes.

"I thought you loved him," she said, her tone deliberately off-hand.

"I do love him." She could feel the intensity of his frown.

"Then why are you here on my couch instead of instagramming pictures of your ring? Though," she tapped her chin thoughtfully, "I suppose by now you would have moved on to the newly engaged sex marathon."

When Steve didn’t answer, she sighed. "Jarvis pause, please. And lights one hundred percent."

She turned to face him, and made sure their cups were safely on the coffee table. "Did he do it badly?"

"What?"

"Was it not the dream proposal you’d imagined?"

"No, course not. I mean, that’s not why."

"Was the ring ugly?"

"No!"

"Good, better not be. I helped him pick it out. Did he forgot to go on one knee?"

"God, Natasha, really?"

"Then why didn’t you say yes?"

"I don’t know."

"You don't know? Seriously?"

"Yes!" The word burst out violently and he dropped his head into his hands. He curled up into himself. "I don’t know," he said again, quieter.

"Steve." She waited until he looked up to continue. "Steve, what’s wrong?"

"He’s so good."

"And you aren’t?"

"No, I’m...God, I’m so messed up."

"Steve..."

"You know, I haven’t been able to sleep through the night since Orlando? Every night is some kind of nightmare, or insomnia. And the therapy isn’t helping. I tell Sam it is, but it’s really not. And sometimes, on my runs, I think about just running forever and never coming back. Just disappearing. The only reason I don’t is because I know he’d spent his life looking for me, and he doesn’t deserve that. I’m so messed up and he wants to marry me. He wants to spend forever with my messed up head and messed life and he doesn’t deserve that!"

He scrubbed hard at his face, smearing the tears running down his cheeks. She wrapped her arms around him tight, and didn’t say anything as he buried his face in her shoulder. When the storm had passed, she said, "Jarvis, Elf, please." They stayed close together until the end of the movie.

As the credits rolled across the screen, she said, "You’re damaged."

He snorted, "Tell me something I don’t know."

"I’m serious. You’re damaged. You survived a Depression, you survived multiple illness, you survived a war, losing your best friend twice, then dragging your best friend home, kicking and screaming, and so much more. You’ve seen and done some terrible things. You don’t go through any of that without getting damaged."

"What’s your point, Natasha?"

"My point is that you’re damaged. And so is Sam."

He pulled away from her, affronted. "No he’s not."

"Yes. Not in the same ways that you are, but he’s damaged all the same. He’s seen his own share of terrible things, and they’ve left a mark on him. I’m damaged too." That made him look at her. "Come on. I’m an international spy and assassin and I was once hunted by the organization that I now work for. One of my best friends was supposed to kill me. Trust me, I’m damaged. So is Clint. And Tony. Bruce. Thor. Pepper even. Probably Jane and Darcy."

"Darcy. Really?"

"Yes. Everyone. Everyone is damaged in some way or another. Everyone has something burning their souls at night, keeping them awake, driving them to run away. Most people try to manage their damage on their own, have to do it on their own. They deny the memories, put on happy faces. Some people," she gave a humorless chuckle, "build up their defenses. Figurative and literal."

She kicked at one of the legs of the coffee table and part of it split to reveal a neat row of small knives. "Some let their damage burn them to ash, becoming just a shell of themselves." She leaned forward to replace the leg and it was smooth as it was before.

"Are there any other options?"

"Yeah, there are. Some people find others to help them."

"They find someone stronger, you mean."

"No, not necessarily. They just find someone to help them. Someone who is sympathetic enough to listen to the nightmare. Patient enough to wait for you to come home. Loves you enough to give you some time. Someone who isn’t afraid of your damage because they know that they’re damaged too."

She waited, but he didn’t say anything. She leaned her head back on the couch and said quietly, "Marriage is a scary thing. And realizing that there’s a person who wants to share every part of your life with you is even scarier. You think maybe it can’t be real, they’re gonna leave when it gets to be too much or there’s someone else who’ll be better for them. But here’s something you probably didn’t realize- you two are scared of the same thing and honestly, I don’t think there’s anyone else that either of you could make happier than you make each other."

Steve swallowed hard, and blinked his eyes rapidly. "How’d you get to know so much?"

She smiled, "I know more than you think and more than I pretend to know."

She stood and stretched, "And with that I’m off to bed. You can have the couch. Oh wait, don’t move." Quickly she crossed to the door and set the alarm. When it beeped twice, she said, "Okay. Now you can have the couch. Blankets are in that basket."

"Natasha. Thank you."

"Just go back to him in the morning. After all, the work I did getting you two together, that would be the best thank you."

He chuckled as she went off to bed. When she woke up, he was gone, blankets folded neatly on the couch. 

* * *

 

Steve entered the apartment as quietly as he could. It was still early, and he wasn’t sure if Sam had gotten up yet. He glanced around the living room and went into the dining room. Everything was cleaned up from yesterday. The candles, the food, the silverware. There was nothing to hint that he had messed up huge last night.

He quietly pushed open the bedroom door and Sam was lying there, spread out as usual, arms and legs flung in every direction. Shedding his clothes, Steve climbed in, gently rearranging Sam’s limbs so that he would have room. Muttering a little, Sam flopped over until Steve was tucked into his arms. “You home, baby?”

"Yeah, I’m home."

"Good."

In the silence, Steve counted his partner’s slow breaths. Relaxing, he closed his eyes.

"So, we’re really just gonna go to sleep without talking?"

He rolled over to face Sam and cracked open one eye. "Um..yes?"

Sam snorted, "I don’t think so." He tightened his arms around Steve. "I got you here, all wrapped up tight. No way you can walk out again. So let’s talk."

"Sam…"

"I’m sorry."

Steve squinted at him, surprised, "For what?"

"For rushing you. It was too soon, I put a lot of pressure on you, and I’m sorry. I just want you to know…"

"Sam, I’m so damaged," Steve felt the words come out in a sudden rush.

Sam fell silent and looked at him.

"I’m so damaged and broken, and someday you’re going to meet someone who has it all together, and responds to therapy and can move on and is so much better. And…and you’re going to come home and realize you’ve married a wreck of a man."

Sam let out a slow breath and sat up. "Okay. Okay. Shall we do this in order of most importance or..."

Steve sat up next to him. "Most importance would be good."

"Okay. First of all, you’re not broken. Damaged? Yes. Most everyone is. But you’re not broken. If you were, you wouldn’t be able do the things that you do every day as well as you do them. You keep going when most people would have given up- that's not the sign of a broken man."

"Glad to know your most important is my psyche."

"Of course it is. Well?"

"It’s just…hard to remember that sometimes."

"I know, but one day it won’t be so hard. Especially with me to remind you. Okay, you go."

"There are better options for you out there."

"Christ, Steve…that’s your most important?"

"Yes. Ty, you know the one who just came back from the Middle East? She’s great. Comes to all the meetings and she likes jazz."

"You like jazz."

"I like jazz because you like it. Or how about Jonathan? He’s a sponsor in AA now, and so much more together than I am. Or I’m sure there are other people."

Sam nodded, "I will agree with you that there are lots of people that I could also be compatible with. But, there is only one person that I want to be compatible with and that person is Steve Rogers."

Steve looked up and stared at him. Sam smiled a little, "I don’t want Ty or Jonathan. I want Steve Rogers."

"I’m going to ruin your life."

"That’s a harsh way to look at things. Probably going to change it a lot, but ruin?"

"I almost got you killed in Orlando, and again in Columbus. And I woke you up early this morning."

"Columbus wasn’t your fault, those were some nasty cyborgs. And I was already awake this morning. Now Orlando, that was your fault." Steve looked down again. "But only because you didn’t fully explain what a dick Bucky would be when we found him." Steve looked up to see Sam fighting a smile.

"I mean, if you had shared to the best of your ability what a complete asshat the man is, especially when he’s ending a two day tequila bender, I may not have decided to join you that morning."

Steve chuckled, and resting his cheek on Sam's shoulder, "I don’t deserve you Sam."

"Does anyone ever really deserve anyone?" Sam began to run his fingers gently through Steve's hair. "I’ve always thought, hoped maybe, that we just find people who accept us. You know, accept the fact that we’re going to make bad jokes, that we’re going to have terrible days and hyper nights, and that we’re completely fallible and human and so not perfect. I accept you Steve. And I love you. That’s why I want one day to marry you. I was hoping you felt the same about me."

"I do. I do. I just..."

"Find it hard to believe? Guess I’ll have to try harder to show you."

Steve smiled, "I would like it if you asked me again. Some day."

"Maybe I’ll convince you so good, you’ll ask me. Realize you can’t let me get away."

"I think I already realize that." Steve closed his eyes and snuggled closer to Sam, content to let the pain of yesterday fall away.

* * *

 

Steve made their excuses, and with his arm around Sam’s waist managed to steer him away from the over zealous guests who wanted to talk to the Falcon.

"God, thank you man. I wasn’t sure that I could get out of that without being rude."

"Never a problem."  Steve gazed back out at the crowd, and saw Bruce heading determinedly to the elevators. Basic truths, he had told the man. Time to follow some of his own advice.

"You tired of this? Wanna go somewhere else?" At Sam’s vigorous nod, he led them out to a side balcony. The noise level instantly dropped and Sam sighed.

"These things are exhausting. I don’t know how Tony does it."

"He likes the attention from everyone."

"Man, not me. I just need attention from one guy," Sam smiled at him.

"I hope that guy is me."

"Stop fishing, you know it is." They looked out over the city in silence for a moment. Then Sam asked, "What were you talking to Bruce about?"

"Him and Clint."

"Ah," Sam winced. "Did he have plans to make things better?"

"I gave him some ideas."

"Oh really? And what brilliant ideas did you give him?"

"Well…I told him that no matter what happened between them, things would be better if they were together."

"Mmm hmm."

"And that he needed to discuss his fears with Clint."

"Mmm, sounds like someone’s been learning from their own experiences."

"Annnnd…I told him that he should get Clint to ask him to move in with him again."

"Okay," Sam chuckled and shook his head. "This sounds familiar."

"But if Clint didn’t ask again, then maybe he should just go ahead and pop the question himself."

Sam looked at him silently for a few moments. "You said that huh?"

"Well, maybe not those exact words, but that was the intent."

"Oh really?"

"Really, really."

Sam rolled his eyes, "I knew letting you watch Shrek was a terrible idea."

"No, Shrek was a great idea. Letting me marathon all four in one night was not the best idea."

"You’re lucky I love you."

"I am lucky. I am so incredibly lucky. And I don’t want to forget it. In fact, I want to spend every day for the rest of my life remembering how lucky I am."

Steve pulled a small box out of his pocket. "Um, Natasha said people usually make a small little speech or something at this moment. But the only thing I want to say is this- I love you. And you make me so happy, so centered, you’re the reason I keep going when the days are hard, and you’re the person I want to celebrate with when the days are easy. And I want to spend all of my days proving that I can be that person for you."

He went down on one knee in front of Sam. He saw that Sam's eyes were wet, but he was grinning and so Steve grinned back. "Sam, will you-"

"Wait."

Steve stopped, his heart pounding hard. "Sam?"

"I just...are you sure?"

He let a breath, relieved, "This is me at my most sure."

Sam chuckled, "Okay. Okay, go ahead."

"Sam, will you marry me?"

"Yes. Yes, please. I would love to marry you."

Steve grinned so hard that his cheeks ached. He slid the ring carefully onto Sam's finger, and grasping his hand, stood up and pulled him close for a kiss. Just before he met Sam's lips, he felt an intense vibration against his leg.

"What the..." Sam leaned back and looked down. "Is that your phone?"

"Uh..." Steve scrambled in his pocket, cursing while Sam giggled. "Just one night without an explosion, or monsters, or aliens..." Finally, he pulled out his phone and unlocked the screen. A message from Natasha popped up.

_Woohoo, congratulations! Just to let you know I don't do well with being in the wedding party but I can make a kick ass wedding cake. :)_

Shaking his head, he showed the text to Sam, who raised an eyebrow. "Okay, one- totally weird how she just knows already. And two- she can make wedding cake? That's an unexpected skill set."

Steve snorted, "Yeah, seriously." He put his phone away and looked at Sam. "Hey."

"Hey," Sam's voice was low and soft.

"I love you. I think...I think I've always loved you and I never want to stop loving you."

Sam grinned and shook his head, "Man, you do so good with those off the cuff speeches. I love you too. Now get over here."

As Sam kissed him, thoroughly and deeply, Steve felt his joy burning through his soul. Everything was better with the one you loved.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hang with me on [tumblr ](http://unnaturalnoise.tumblr.com) and leave me prompts!


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